I just read a profound book called Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller. Probably the most important book I’ve read as a mother and partner. So inspired, I wrote her this letter:
Wow Karen! I am in awe. If you only knew how much your book has touched me. It arrived in my life at exactly the moment I was ready to hear it. It is so beautifully written and so nakedly honest. I found truths on every page that resonated with my being. I am an imperfect, struggling mother who loves her son more than I ever thought possible. Yet, I make mistakes every day and I can see the dear price they exact on those I love. I watch myself falling into those careless patterns every time I dissociate while playing trains on the floor, every time my temper boils beyond my breaking point, every time I turn away from the moment in front of me because I believe it is unbearable to face. Your book is helping me begin the ever-so-difficult process of practicing compassion for myself first as a way to engender it for my son and partner. It’s so simple, but why is it so hard? Years before I became a mother, in that delicious space when my time was my own, I began studying Buddhism in New York City. I have so much love for this path but I have struggled with finding a Sangha I could commit to and a practice I could sustain. These obstacles have been poor, yet consistent excuses. But now more than ever, I see the urgency with which I need to practice. My family needs it; I need it. Your book has helped me see that.
There are so many gems in the book that I go back to over and again, but one in particular woke me up instantly: “You love your child, and is there anything he or she does that truly works for you? That’s not what love is. Expect something less from your relationships. Demand something more from yourself.” I have been struggling in my relationship with my partner for years. I realized that all my hardness, bitterness, anger and resentment that I thought was fortifying me against his illness was in fact choking the tendrils of our love and killing our family. When your book arrived, there were but a few wisps of life clinging on in our garden. With my eyes open, I am tending that garden now. I see that the precious lives of my son, my partner, my soon to be born 2nd child, and me are all intertwined here. I expect to make more mistakes, but I am less afraid. No matter how triggered I become, I am reminding myself that sanity is a breath away. I can come back to your words and open my eyes and I will see my partner in front of me, imperfect and flawed, struggling to love with all his heart and that will be enough. I will open my eyes and see my son in front of me, vulnerable, angry and scared, yet eternally willing to both receive and utter those magic healing words “I’m sorry,” to begin again with limitless possibilities. I will open my eyes and I will see myself, having lost and found my sanity for the zillionth time and I will have compassion. I will practice seeing what is and I have faith that it will be enough.
At the risk of gushing any more than I already have, I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you again, from the bottom of my broken, tender, healing, resilient heart. Thank you for having the courage to write this book and most of all, to live this life.
The courage to keep going comes from each other. Thank you.
That letter was as beautiful as the book was.
Thank you to Karen for pointing us to it.
yes, thank you. maybe it’s my time to read it:-)
Loved the line “Sanity is a breath away.” Would make a nice wall hanging
I Love Karen’s words, too. She’s amazing.